Van Tvedt

Van was born a smallish person with very limited hair style options and without much taste in alcohol.  He progressed to the point where he could operate drum sticks in a simple fashion.  “Gonna pound that drum!” he would exclaim whilst smashing his mother’s crockery.  He was asked to join a band when it was discovered he had a talent for identifying smells.  “OK, that’s a 20 year old Swiss cheese with hints of foot fungus and possibly dried blood.”  “Right again,” said the guitar player.  “Now this one..”  “That is a peach soaked in Virginia ham drippings.”  See?  He was a talented lad.

Eventually, Van decided to give exotic dancing a try.  He was only kicked out of three different Boy Scout troops until he found one that was open enough to let him express himself thusly.  He continued this path until he played some gigs with various bands who let him drool in the open or during press interviews.  He played many gigs with many bands through the years….all of which were pitiful and sad…until he met THE HOOLIGANS!  (I am being a bit of a pill with the previous statement. He actually did play with some extremely good musicians who rarely bit him or made him cry….rarely.)

Once in a while, Van would exclaim in a clear, strong voice “I wish to remove my pants!”  Then he did, mainly during a third or possibly fourth set.  My point being it pays to watch the whole show.   He also responds nicely to having single dollar bills thrown at him while he plays.  Please…make it folding money.  Change hurts too much and is kind of an insult.  

Now, he is a member of quite possibly the best smelling three piece band he has ever been in, including the short stint with “Good Smelling Joe and his Ever Present Wart.”  While most think they are kindly elderly gentlemen, they are actually wild horses who shall NOT be tamed or ridden, unless they want to be ridden which is an entirely different story altogether.  So it is written…so shall it be.